Things that need to be said

I am going through a strange period in my life right now. Things have been amazing. I had my baby boy earlier this year. I got engaged. I'm planning a wedding and a life together with someone. I feel like my world is full and complete. 

The funky part of this is that my parents decided to get all flippy on me last year. They decided that they should tell me how to parent my 2 older children, and if I didn't do what they wanted, they would do it behind my back. They have taught my children to lie to me, to be manipulative, and disrespect myself and my fiance. To me, this is unacceptable. My oldest son is 15 and we are still trying to undo the damage their deceit has caused. My daughter is almost 8, and she has a good head on her shoulders. She understands what they did was wrong, but she still misses being able to visit with them. She understands that our distance is for the best. 

So my wedding is in 6 months and I don't plan on inviting them. They received the "save the date" before we had our last falling out. We stopped communication shortly thereafter. I should say, they stopped communications. I called them on their manipulation and the fact that they aim their resentment at my fiance, even though this has nothing to do with him. I said we should get together to discuss this. I haven't heard from them since. They didn't even acknowledge my birthday with  a card, email, text, smoke signal... lol.

It's OK, my life feels full anyway. And this is the strange part for me. I am OK with this. I don't feel any sense of loss. They haven't been in my adult life a whole lot anyway. They have caused me a lot of hurt in my life, and I am in the process of letting it go. At times, when I talk about what they have done, how they judge MY parenting, when they have yet to reexamine their own parenting, I just get so frustrated. They have a revisionist view of history, and that's OK. I know what's real and true. My fiance says I need to let it go, and he's right. 

I haven't asked my dad to give me away at the wedding. It doesn't feel right. I'm not his to give. I have asked my oldest friend to do it. We have known each other for 19 years! I know that he is happy for us, and wishes us well. I know that I won't have to walk on eggshells to avoid some sort of mind-fuck from my parents, if I had asked my dad. Not that he deserves that honor anyway. I would like the person who gives me away, to actually be HAPPY for me. 

So I will be blogging for a while to work this through. I want to make sure I am OK with this decision. It's not just a temporary thing, this whole, writing them off. This has gone on far too long. The mind-fuck of my parents is now extending down to my kids, and I don't like how it makes them feel like they did something to deserve this. My parents are fucked up and it's not their fault. 

I plan on writing about my childhood, and my adolescent years. My main focus in my writing will be about them for a while. I used to think that my growing-up years weren't so bad, but when I retell a few incidents, and then there a few more, and a few more, I realize that I begin to paint a picture of some pretty messed up years. I guess I had a twisted childhood and buried it. I denied it and in my mind tried to just make it seem normal. I tricked myself into thinking it was normal.

This is like unraveling a crotchet blanket. You have to go back through everything that was done, to be able to start back at the beginning and build a better foundation. You have to understand what went wrong to be able to fix it. I will never understand why my parents are the way they are, but I can forgive myself for the ways I acted out in response to that. 

I have thought about what if they read this some day? It's ok. Maybe they should. Whether we are ever able to rebuild a relationship based on mutual respect, that's entirely up to them. Whether they do or don't, they should know all the ways they hurt me. In their minds, at this moment, they are flawless. I know this, because this is how they feel that it's OK to judge me. Maybe it's time for a reality check for us all.