I recently found out that a boy I once dated, died a few years ago. It's been unnerving me since, so I thought I would write him a letter because I need some closure to get past this. These are things he should know. Somehow, I think he will see this.
Dear James,
I just found out the other day that you died. I looked for you on the internet a few weeks ago. I have thought of you often over the years and wondered how you've been. I found your sister a few weeks ago, but didn't have the balls to message her, and then I finally did. I told her who I was and asked her to say hello to you for me and that I hoped that life was treating you well. She replied the next day and sadly told me that you had died a few years ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to read the message several times before it sunk in that you were dead. At first, I didn't believe her, but why would she lie? There was sincerity in her message. There was also sadness that she couldn't talk to you and tell you I was looking for you. She said you would have loved to have known that. She also told me that you had a little boy. She also told me how and why you died.
I have to say, that I am so pissed and hurt right now. I know we haven 't spoken in over a decade, but damn you! You said that when we were in our 40's, we would find each other and be divorced and marry each other.Now how are we supposed to do that? You freaking left me and everyone else behind. I can't help but think what a selfish bastard you are for that. I am mad at you and mad at myself. I keep thinking, had I looked for you years ago all those times when I thought of you,. maybe you'd be alive now. I know it's concieted to think that I could have been a reason for you to live, but you never know. I could have been a friend to you if nothing else.
Your sister said you had a little boy, Raymond James. You named him after your dad. That is so awesome. I began to think about what a great dad you must have been and how sad you must have been to leave him like that. And then I did the math. You took your own life before he was even a year old. He will never know you. What the hell is wrong with you? You were so good to your nephew. I remember him being like your shadow when he was little. How could you go and abandon your new baby? I saw a picture of you holding him the day he was born. Instead of a proud papa in the picture, I saw someone who looked so sad and lonely being forced to take a picture holding a baby he didn't want.
What happened James? What went wrong? I wish I could have been there for you to talk to. I was always a great listener. I could have been there for you. Your family must have been so crushed to find you that way. My thoughts keep going back to your little boy. My heart breaks for him. Your dad is gone too. Your mom must be so sad. Your son will be 6 this year. You have a great niece. Charlie has a daughter. I saw all your sister's pics of your family. You are missing out on so much. Was life really that bad to you? Was it really too much to bear? Every day they are missing you. Every day there is an emptiness that you should have been filling. How could you be done with life at age 25?
Learning this about you has made me think about when I first knew you. I remember you following me around in band and between classes. I didn't even know your name at first. I thought you were cute, but out of my league. Why would you want to talk to me, nobody, when all these other girls wanted to know you. But you knew what you wanted, and it was me. Your forced yourself into my life. I was so scared. I never had a boyfriend before. I didn't know anything about boys. You were so sweet to me. I fell hard and fast for you. My first true love. My first kiss. I remember walking with you after school around the neighborhood, just to be alone together. Holding hands and talking, getting to know each other. I wanted to know everything about you. Even then, I knew there was a part of you that I couldn't understand. A part that you never let anyone else know. I wish I would have been wiser and more mature back then. Maybe I could have been a better friend.
I remember us being hot and heavy; making out every chance we got. You made me have feelings I never had before. God, I wanted to be with you so bad. I don't think that I have ever had that passion for anyone like I had for you. It was all so new, it was amazing. And yet, what you wanted so badly, I couldn't give you. I just wasn't ready. I was still a child at 14. I don't know if you ever really knew why I broke up with you. It was because I thought that you were going to eventually break up with me because I couldn't go all the way with you. I knew how badly you wanted it. It made me scared. And yet, I always regretted not doing it with you. Just the other day, I was telling David that you were the only person I ever regretted not doing it with.
You know, I always thought we'd find each other again, really. I actually hoped we would. Yet, I wasn't completely surprised that you were gone. Just surprised that it was so long ago, that you were so young. I can't help but feel that there is a hole in my heart now. You were my first love and I always thought you be be there, somewhere, living a happy life. And I feel so stupid for having these feelings now, all this time after we stopped talking, all this time after you've been gone. I wish I could have fixed it for you.
I will always remember your weird sense of humor. Your breathy voice. The intense look you used to give me before you would kiss me. The scent of Tide detergent and the faint smell of cigarette smoke on your clothes. They way you would say hi "ay-oh". I will remember what a great uncle you were to Charlie and your kind heart. God, I really, really loved you as much as a 14 year old could possibly love someone. Who would have thought that 17 years after we broke up, you would break my heart?
I just thought you should know that even though I am still angry with you, I forgive you. I know that you must have been in so much pain, and your heart must have been hurting so badly for you to leave us this way. Just know that even in death, you are loved and missed by so many people. I wish it would have been enough to keep you here in life.
Goodbye James. I know that somewhere you are watching us, and hopefully smiling your sly little smile in knowing that the shy girl from HHS still cares about you. I hope to see you again some day. I hope that until that day, you have peace in your heart.
Love Always,
V
