Shall we start at the beginning?

The farthest back in my memory I can remember is of me at my maternal grandmother's house. It was strange for me there. There were no kids to play with. I was there every day except when I "visited" my house, and that was rare. My mother was someone I saw in passing. I never really thought of her as a permanent fixture in my life. She was always working. My dad came by every few days to talk to my grandparents, really. Not to see me. I guess I always assumed he was working too. 

That was my childhood. My dad never worked a steady job. He was always "between jobs". My mom was a private duty nurse and worked 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. I grew up thinking that it was normal to be at grandma's house more than at home. I never really questioned why I rarely saw my mom. It just was. As an adult, I realized that his lack of steady employment was part of the reason why she worked so much. 

The older I got, the more I realized that other kids spent their time at home with their parents. That your mom was supposed to be someone who was with you...a LOT. Mom was someone who tucked you in and read you stories and made your food. People sat around the dinner table, together. This was all strange to me. We didn't do that at my grandma's house. I ate at a tray in front of the TV because she was "too busy" to sit down to a meal at the table. This was my life until I was old enough to go to school. 

Even then, when I wasn't in school, I was at a babysitter's house after school. At my grandma's house on weekends and school vacations. My mom and I didn't spend a whole lot of time together other than the ride to school. I took the bus to the sitter's. We had the ride home. We ate a late dinner at 8:30 at the dinner table. There was no talking because the TV was blaring. We would get shooshed by my dad if we talked. TV is important! 

It wasn't until I was about 12 that my mom finally got weekends off. I looked forward to it! I thought, finally, I can spend time with my mom. We can do all those things that sit-com moms do with their daughters. We can go shopping or paint nails. Do art projects, or just talk. To my disappointment, nothing changed. I still spent weekends and vacations at my grandma's house. I realized that she just did not want to be with me. She spent evenings with my dad. Spent her weekends sleeping, on trips with my dad, with her pets. Anything, BUT with me. I think that was really the hardest realization that my mom just didn't have any room in her life for me. She had the time now, but it was apparent that I wasn't a priority. 

By the time I got to high school, I had grown accustomed to just minding my own business. I had buried myself in books, school and TV up until that point. We lived about an hour from where I was going to school, and I was never allowed to visit with my schoolmates, so I had no real friendships outside of school. 

High school was a different world entirely. It was in walking distance from my house. There were kids who lived somewhat close to me. There were events I could participate in. I felt alive, finally! And when I started doing things and making my voice heard, my parents had no idea who I was. They didn't know me! They somehow expected me to be some silent figure that lived in some room down the hall. I wasn't a quiet, non-existent person, they shut me up. They made me disappear all those years. 

When my mom finally realized that I was nothing like her and didn't share her views on things, she rejected me. At one point, she told me that she wished she had had another kid to make up for where she went wrong with me. The irony is that I wasn't even a bad kid. I got good grades. I didn't get into trouble. At worst, I experimented with pot, but that's about it for the most part. I just wanted to be left alone, just like my parents always had done. But at this point, I'm not sure if they were bored, but they wanted to micro-manage me. They rarely let me go out with friends to anything that was not a school required activity. I was a good kid. There was no real reason to say no, so I decided I would just go, and face the punishment later. 

To this day, they will tell you what a rotten teenager I was. I was in the school marching band for Pete's sake! I graduated with a 3.8 GPA. I was a good kid. Too bad they never really cared enough to know that about me. I guess my lack of a connection with them made me gravitate toward people that didn't always have my best interests at heart. When you're seeking love and approval, and you can't get it from home, you'll take it where you get it. Wherever that is.

Things that need to be said

I am going through a strange period in my life right now. Things have been amazing. I had my baby boy earlier this year. I got engaged. I'm planning a wedding and a life together with someone. I feel like my world is full and complete. 

The funky part of this is that my parents decided to get all flippy on me last year. They decided that they should tell me how to parent my 2 older children, and if I didn't do what they wanted, they would do it behind my back. They have taught my children to lie to me, to be manipulative, and disrespect myself and my fiance. To me, this is unacceptable. My oldest son is 15 and we are still trying to undo the damage their deceit has caused. My daughter is almost 8, and she has a good head on her shoulders. She understands what they did was wrong, but she still misses being able to visit with them. She understands that our distance is for the best. 

So my wedding is in 6 months and I don't plan on inviting them. They received the "save the date" before we had our last falling out. We stopped communication shortly thereafter. I should say, they stopped communications. I called them on their manipulation and the fact that they aim their resentment at my fiance, even though this has nothing to do with him. I said we should get together to discuss this. I haven't heard from them since. They didn't even acknowledge my birthday with  a card, email, text, smoke signal... lol.

It's OK, my life feels full anyway. And this is the strange part for me. I am OK with this. I don't feel any sense of loss. They haven't been in my adult life a whole lot anyway. They have caused me a lot of hurt in my life, and I am in the process of letting it go. At times, when I talk about what they have done, how they judge MY parenting, when they have yet to reexamine their own parenting, I just get so frustrated. They have a revisionist view of history, and that's OK. I know what's real and true. My fiance says I need to let it go, and he's right. 

I haven't asked my dad to give me away at the wedding. It doesn't feel right. I'm not his to give. I have asked my oldest friend to do it. We have known each other for 19 years! I know that he is happy for us, and wishes us well. I know that I won't have to walk on eggshells to avoid some sort of mind-fuck from my parents, if I had asked my dad. Not that he deserves that honor anyway. I would like the person who gives me away, to actually be HAPPY for me. 

So I will be blogging for a while to work this through. I want to make sure I am OK with this decision. It's not just a temporary thing, this whole, writing them off. This has gone on far too long. The mind-fuck of my parents is now extending down to my kids, and I don't like how it makes them feel like they did something to deserve this. My parents are fucked up and it's not their fault. 

I plan on writing about my childhood, and my adolescent years. My main focus in my writing will be about them for a while. I used to think that my growing-up years weren't so bad, but when I retell a few incidents, and then there a few more, and a few more, I realize that I begin to paint a picture of some pretty messed up years. I guess I had a twisted childhood and buried it. I denied it and in my mind tried to just make it seem normal. I tricked myself into thinking it was normal.

This is like unraveling a crotchet blanket. You have to go back through everything that was done, to be able to start back at the beginning and build a better foundation. You have to understand what went wrong to be able to fix it. I will never understand why my parents are the way they are, but I can forgive myself for the ways I acted out in response to that. 

I have thought about what if they read this some day? It's ok. Maybe they should. Whether we are ever able to rebuild a relationship based on mutual respect, that's entirely up to them. Whether they do or don't, they should know all the ways they hurt me. In their minds, at this moment, they are flawless. I know this, because this is how they feel that it's OK to judge me. Maybe it's time for a reality check for us all.

My Rainbow Baby

The love I feel for my baby son is powerful. I think a lot has to do with the love I have for his dad. I got pregnant a year and a half ago. I didn't even know I wanted a baby until I found out I was pregnant and allowed the baby thoughts to grow in my mind. Then I had a miscarriage and mourned my angel baby, and I mourned the fact that my body was defective and failed my baby, myself, and my boyfriend. It would have been his first child. I got pregnant 6 months later with my baby son after tons of doctors visits, blood tests and hormones. Pregnancy with him was the most nerve wracking time in my life. I constantly obsessed that I would lose him at any moment. This worry muted our happiness so much that I could not believe he was real or would be born alive until he was actually here. And now that he is here I worry that he will stop breathing or that someone will steal him away.

I stare at his face and see the features that are both mine and his dad's. I can distinguish them so clearly. I look in his eyes and at times see an old soul in there. I see a knowing in him that is not of a newborn, but of someone who has lived life before. I drown in his sweet baby scent, trying to memorize it before it's gone. I hold his head in my head when he sleeps and try to comprehend that I grew this little body, this beautiful soul inside my body. I feel close to God when I think these thoughts. I am truly blessed that this life grew inside me. I take pictures of him and try to freeze time and keep him small forever. Please don't grow up. Yet, I can't wait for all his firsts. I can't wait to see how he grows. When he cries, I just want to calm him and I want him to know that I will always be here for him. My heart feels full when he cries when other people hold him, yet the second he's in my arms, he's quiet. He needs me, and I need him. I didn't feel like I was missing anything before I had him, yet now I feel like he completes a part of me that was empty.

I don't know what this life is going to bring for him, but I feel lucky that I am here with him along the journey.

Things you should know...

I recently found out that a boy I once dated, died a few years ago. It's been unnerving me since, so I thought I would write him a letter because I need some closure to get past this. These are things he should know. Somehow, I think he will see this.

Dear James,

I just found out the other day that you died. I looked for you on the internet a few weeks ago. I have thought of you often over the years and wondered how you've been. I found your sister a few weeks ago, but didn't have the balls to message her, and then I finally did. I told her who I was and asked her to say hello to you for me and that I hoped that life was treating you well. She replied the next day and sadly told me that you had died a few years ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to read the message several times before it sunk in that you were dead. At first, I didn't believe her, but why would she lie? There was sincerity in her message. There was also sadness that she couldn't talk to you and tell you I was looking for you. She said you would have loved to have known that. She also told me that you had a little boy. She also told me how and why you died.

I have to say, that I am so pissed and hurt right now. I know we haven 't spoken in over a decade, but damn you! You said that when we were in our 40's, we would find each other and be divorced and marry each other.Now how are we supposed to do that? You freaking left me and everyone else behind. I can't help but think what a selfish bastard you are for that. I am mad at you and mad at myself. I keep thinking, had I looked for you years ago all those times when I thought of you,. maybe you'd be alive now. I know it's concieted to think that I could have been a reason for you to live, but you never know. I could have been a friend to you if nothing else.

Your sister said you had a little boy, Raymond James. You named him after your dad. That is so awesome. I began to think about what a great dad you must have been and how sad you must have been to leave him like that. And then I did the math. You took your own life before he was even a year old. He will never know you. What the hell is wrong with you? You were so good to your nephew. I remember him being like your shadow when he was little. How could you go and abandon your new baby? I saw a picture of you holding him the day he was born. Instead of a proud papa in the picture, I saw someone who looked so sad and lonely being forced to take a picture holding a baby he didn't want.

What happened James? What went wrong? I wish I could have been there for you to talk to. I was always a great listener. I could have been there for you. Your family must have been so crushed to find you that way. My thoughts keep going back to your little boy. My heart breaks for him. Your dad is gone too. Your mom must be so sad. Your son will be 6 this year. You have a great niece. Charlie has a daughter. I saw all your sister's pics of your family. You are missing out on so much. Was life really that bad to you? Was it really too much to bear? Every day they are missing you. Every day there is an emptiness that you should have been filling. How could you be done with life at age 25?

Learning this about you has made me think about when I first knew you. I remember you following me around in band and between classes. I didn't even know your name at first. I thought you were cute, but out of my league. Why would you want to talk to me, nobody, when all these other girls wanted to know you.  But you knew what you wanted, and it was me. Your forced yourself into my life. I was so scared. I never had a boyfriend before. I didn't know anything about boys. You were so sweet to me. I fell hard and fast for you. My first true love. My first kiss. I remember walking with you after school around the neighborhood, just to be alone together. Holding hands and talking, getting to know each other. I wanted to know everything about you. Even then, I knew there was a part of you that I couldn't understand. A part that you never let anyone else know. I wish I would have been wiser and more mature back then. Maybe I could have been a better friend.

I remember us being hot and heavy; making out every chance we got. You made me have feelings I never had before. God, I wanted to be with you so bad. I don't think that I have ever had that passion for anyone like I had for you. It was all so new, it was amazing. And yet, what you wanted so badly, I couldn't give you. I just wasn't ready. I was still a child at 14. I don't know if you ever really knew why I broke up with you. It was because I thought that you were going to eventually break up with me because I couldn't go all the way with you. I knew how badly you wanted it. It made me scared. And yet, I always regretted not doing it with you. Just the other day, I was telling David that you were the only person I ever regretted not doing it with.

You know, I always thought we'd find each other again, really. I actually hoped we would. Yet, I wasn't completely surprised that you were gone. Just surprised that it was so long ago, that you were so young. I can't help but feel that there is a hole in my heart now. You were my first love and I always thought you be be there, somewhere, living a happy life. And I feel so stupid for having these feelings now, all this time after we stopped talking, all this time after you've been gone. I wish I could have fixed it for you.

I will always remember your weird sense of humor. Your breathy voice. The intense look you used to give me before you would kiss me. The scent of Tide detergent and the faint smell of cigarette smoke on your clothes. They way you would say hi "ay-oh". I will remember what a great uncle you were to Charlie and your kind heart. God, I really, really loved you as much as a 14 year old could possibly love someone. Who would have thought that 17 years after we broke up, you would break my heart?

I just thought you should know that even though I am still angry with you, I forgive you. I know that you must have been in so much pain, and your heart must have been hurting so badly for you to leave us this way. Just know that even in death, you are loved and missed by so many people. I wish it would have been enough to keep you here in life.

Goodbye James. I know that somewhere you are watching us, and hopefully smiling your sly little smile in knowing that the shy girl from HHS still cares about you. I hope to see you again some day. I hope that until that day, you have peace in your heart.

Love Always,
V

Shouldn't Have To Ask...

You and I, we're together, supposedly in body and soul. So why is it that I feel this disconnect, from you?

You should lust for me. Your body should long for my touch, my caress. Your fingers should instinctively know the places I need to be touched. Instead, I sit here, waiting for some affection, and I shouldn't have to ask.

I wait up nights, for when you're not busy. I end up going to bed alone, because you found other things, more interesting than me. I hate going to bed alone, I want you there, and I shouldn't have to ask.

You should be interested in my mind and my thoughts. You should thirst for my words to quench your thirst. Instead, I have to speak up, remind you that I'm still here, but I shouldn't have to ask.

Our hearts should be in sync. Our thoughts should be intertwined. We should be one, whole being. And I find myself wondering where you are in this . Do you even love me? I shouldn't have to ask.

Sorry Excuse for Sorry

What is an apology? Is it admitting that you are wrong, or that someone else was right? Is it admitting guilt or stupidity? Or could it be more meaningful? Could it be that maybe you meant the words you said, but you are sorry they were hurtful? That you meant what you did at the time, but now that you see the repercussion, you regret it?

What if you didn't say "I'm sorry"? What if you said "I apologize"? Does that really translate to "I'm sorry that you're so stupid that you got your feelings hurt, so here is a token apology so you can manage to take my insult and get over it, quickly"?

If someone isn't sorry at all, they just want to end the discord, do you even want their apology to smooth things over, or do you really want them to be honestly and truly sorry in their heart? They may be incapable of that. They may be so vain as to truly believe that they are not wrong, not now and not ever. They may feel that it is their God-given right to set you straight, and if a few feelings get trampled in the process, well then it's your fault for being overly sensitive. Do people really act that way? Yes, they do. I know a few of them personally.

So what do you do? Accept a cheap apology because your love and life together mean so much more than this petty disagreement and some hurt feelings, or stand your ground, possibly being stubborn, and maybe end up alone? And if you do "get over" it, won't this just keep happening over and over again because no one has learned a lesson or changed a behavior?

Compromise comes into play here. If you'll sincerely admit you were an ass, and I agree that you were an ass, and we both agreed to not do this to each other again, I think we can let it slide without an apology.

The Necessary-ness of Blogging

I have so much to say. Really, I just want to talk crap about people I know, and the things that they do. I can't blog in a normal social networking forum, because they will know it's them I am talking about!!! So I will spill all my dirty little secrets to you...