Saturday, February 18, 2012

My Rainbow Baby

The love I feel for my baby son is powerful. I think a lot has to do with the love I have for his dad. I got pregnant a year and a half ago. I didn't even know I wanted a baby until I found out I was pregnant and allowed the baby thoughts to grow in my mind. Then I had a miscarriage and mourned my angel baby, and I mourned the fact that my body was defective and failed my baby, myself, and my boyfriend. It would have been his first child. I got pregnant 6 months later with my baby son after tons of doctors visits, blood tests and hormones. Pregnancy with him was the most nerve wracking time in my life. I constantly obsessed that I would lose him at any moment. This worry muted our happiness so much that I could not believe he was real or would be born alive until he was actually here. And now that he is here I worry that he will stop breathing or that someone will steal him away.

I stare at his face and see the features that are both mine and his dad's. I can distinguish them so clearly. I look in his eyes and at times see an old soul in there. I see a knowing in him that is not of a newborn, but of someone who has lived life before. I drown in his sweet baby scent, trying to memorize it before it's gone. I hold his head in my head when he sleeps and try to comprehend that I grew this little body, this beautiful soul inside my body. I feel close to God when I think these thoughts. I am truly blessed that this life grew inside me. I take pictures of him and try to freeze time and keep him small forever. Please don't grow up. Yet, I can't wait for all his firsts. I can't wait to see how he grows. When he cries, I just want to calm him and I want him to know that I will always be here for him. My heart feels full when he cries when other people hold him, yet the second he's in my arms, he's quiet. He needs me, and I need him. I didn't feel like I was missing anything before I had him, yet now I feel like he completes a part of me that was empty.

I don't know what this life is going to bring for him, but I feel lucky that I am here with him along the journey.